Its 5 in the morning 22nd April 2009 and I'm fully awake… been trying to sleep but I just cant. No point of forcing myself to bed so I just grab my cute little notebook and starts typing…
I have so many things on my mind right now and it’s good that I have this blog thingy for me to keep all of my thoughts at any time any day…
Loosing her
This is what I’m afraid of the most. All the time I’m afraid of loosing her. Sometimes I feel that it’s me who’s not able to let her grow. Afraid that one day she wont be needing me anymore… will she? My be this is the main reason I’m so scared to go out there and work? Just to make me feel better I’ll tell myself; nanti takder org nak jaga Diya or Diya nanti terabai, or maybe I really want her to have me around as she grows. I NEVER get that experience when I was small coz my parents were BZ all the time. It has always been me and the maid in my memories like the scare I have on my knee – rushing to naik bas kat greenwood bustop and my maid keep pulling me till I fell into one of the hole there…
I don’t want Diya to have that… I want her to have good memories with me… I want her to talk bout me when she goes to school… ‘My mumy bake this for me’ or ‘my mumy always cook nice food for me’ or ‘mumy helped me with this’… you know… things like that. Sometimes I still wonder am I wasting my hard work all the years at University. Most of my friends are ‘with the title’ already... as for me; I bake cakes most of the days. I hope I can guide Diya with what I have. I want to always be there and grow with her. If she goes to school, I will learn what she learns there, attend all her school activities, send nice food over lunch time, always be there for her. My career, money, status somehow doesn’t matter much any more. It’s a huge responsibility and difficult job to be a good ‘MOTHER’ and I am at my best to become one!
Another baby?
What if Diya has a brother or sister? I always think of this too… will love both of them equally? Can I? Do I need another baby? I say to myself ‘kalau mumy ader dua anak mumy will definitely lupakan soal kerja dan jaga anak-anak mumy fulltime kat rumah… just to sedapkan my hati la since I wont be working in an office hhehehe… but really, can I handle two kids? Can I go through the same process over again? The pain? And mostly the 1st 6-7 months of the newborn baby. I can still remember how I had to carry Diya every time I go to toilet, the back pain of me carrying her all the time, the loud cry, the sleepless nights and so on… can I? Will I? the truth is I’m scared. Scared of everything. I don’t ever want any of my kids to know that the truth is their mommy is very scared of the world and everything in it!
Maybe I think too much eh?
I have so many things on my mind right now and it’s good that I have this blog thingy for me to keep all of my thoughts at any time any day…
Loosing her
This is what I’m afraid of the most. All the time I’m afraid of loosing her. Sometimes I feel that it’s me who’s not able to let her grow. Afraid that one day she wont be needing me anymore… will she? My be this is the main reason I’m so scared to go out there and work? Just to make me feel better I’ll tell myself; nanti takder org nak jaga Diya or Diya nanti terabai, or maybe I really want her to have me around as she grows. I NEVER get that experience when I was small coz my parents were BZ all the time. It has always been me and the maid in my memories like the scare I have on my knee – rushing to naik bas kat greenwood bustop and my maid keep pulling me till I fell into one of the hole there…
I don’t want Diya to have that… I want her to have good memories with me… I want her to talk bout me when she goes to school… ‘My mumy bake this for me’ or ‘my mumy always cook nice food for me’ or ‘mumy helped me with this’… you know… things like that. Sometimes I still wonder am I wasting my hard work all the years at University. Most of my friends are ‘with the title’ already... as for me; I bake cakes most of the days. I hope I can guide Diya with what I have. I want to always be there and grow with her. If she goes to school, I will learn what she learns there, attend all her school activities, send nice food over lunch time, always be there for her. My career, money, status somehow doesn’t matter much any more. It’s a huge responsibility and difficult job to be a good ‘MOTHER’ and I am at my best to become one!
Another baby?
What if Diya has a brother or sister? I always think of this too… will love both of them equally? Can I? Do I need another baby? I say to myself ‘kalau mumy ader dua anak mumy will definitely lupakan soal kerja dan jaga anak-anak mumy fulltime kat rumah… just to sedapkan my hati la since I wont be working in an office hhehehe… but really, can I handle two kids? Can I go through the same process over again? The pain? And mostly the 1st 6-7 months of the newborn baby. I can still remember how I had to carry Diya every time I go to toilet, the back pain of me carrying her all the time, the loud cry, the sleepless nights and so on… can I? Will I? the truth is I’m scared. Scared of everything. I don’t ever want any of my kids to know that the truth is their mommy is very scared of the world and everything in it!
Maybe I think too much eh?
hmmmm... betul ker? ko tak rasa aku membazir pelajaran tinggi aku tu ker? miahahahha... jenuh blaja tinggi2 last2 aku jual kek.
ReplyDeletewah.. so emotional.. y'know, i think EVERYONE worries abt the same issued. I've spoken to my aunties on the matter and most of them say you should not cling on to your child too much. U have to let them grow to be their own person. All u can do is guide & lead by example.
ReplyDeleteI'll tell you more when we meet up k.. too long to type la.. hehe..
yeah, ur my best reference!
ReplyDelete